I was discussing mental health with someone recently, who wasn’t actually aware that I’m bipolar2 and ADHD. After asking a couple questions, they said something along the lines of “I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine how difficult dealing with manic episodes must be.” And I laughed. Not at them, of course. Just at the thought. I think they were a little shocked when my response was “Not at all! Manic episodes are honestly usually pretty great. I love my manic periods. Its coming out of them that really sucks.”
And that’s the truth. I explained to them that coming out of a manic episode kind of feels like getting really, really excited for something, and then being super bummed when it gets suddenly cancelled for some unknown reason, and you have no way of fixing it.
For the most part, I love my manic episodes. Manic Meg has an insane amount of motivation and gets. shit. DONE! Manic Meg has some of the absolute best ideas. I can honestly attribute some of my best ideas to manic periods (depressed Meg could never) and the energy during those periods. Did I give you like, the best gift EVER? There’s a good chance Manic Meg thought of it. New really awesome craft idea? Manic Meg. Got my entire closet reorganized, purged and the bedroom is actually functional again? Manic Meg. She’s who made the grocery list this week. Manic Meg understands that the best friend is busy living life, too, so she’s not always going to respond. Manic Meg has all these really great content ideas, and the energy and motivation to do them. Manic Meg knows what I need to do to work towards all my goals.
What you’re never prepared for is the feeling when you’re suddenly out of the manic state and into the depressive. When you’re in an awful mood and you can’t figure out why. When you’re struggling with the energy to finish your workout, struggling to cook something other than a quick bowl of pasta. When you’re looking at all the great ideas you’ve had, but can’t figure out where to start. When you start to question if people actually like you. When you’re wondering if you did something wrong to make your best friend not want to talk to you. When you’re sitting here, wondering why you can’t do any of the things you know you need to do.
I only just recently REALLY started being able to recognize when I’m passing between these states of being. It doesn’t make it any easier, but it can help put some sort of “reason” to suddenly feeling like you want to crawl into a hole and hide for the next foreseeable future. Struggling to exist, and not understanding why. That’s the especially difficult part of bipolar for me. And while recognizing my manic episodes vs my depressive episodes helps, it doesn’t make struggling through the depression periods any easier.
Many years ago, long before a diagnosis, I struggled with this just as bad if not worse, and young me had no clue why I would go through these periods where one day I felt great, and the other day I just wanted to not exist for a little while. Trying to explain to your parents that you have no idea why you feel like you do, isn’t easy. Explaining something you don’t understand yourself feels like an impossible task, that just makes getting through the day even more difficult than it already was. When you don’t understand, and you don’t know how to make other people understand, you start to wonder what’s wrong with you.
Going through those periods when I was young wasn’t all bad, I guess. Looking back, going through the transition from manic to depressive is probably when I wrote the most. Its when I felt my struggles the deepest, and I have a folder full of REALLY cringe poetry around here somewhere that probably still exists on some far corner of the internet. Mid 30’s me is honestly pretty happy that the world can’t read my Xanga or Myspace blog anymore….
Right now feels like a pretty full circle moment. After my workout today, I couldn’t figure out why I was struggling. I have all these great ideas, why can’t I work on any of them. I have all of this food, why can’t I cook myself something at least halfway decent? All I want to do is sit on my couch, and get lost in a book and avoid trying to function for a little while. Forget working on all the content ideas I have, not having to deal with my own existence for the next few hours until I can try to sleep it off sounds way better.
Cue the realization that the past week or two has been a manic “episode”. I lost track of how many checklists I made for all the things I want to get done. I came up with some GREAT ideas for gifts, and content, and made an entire spreadsheet to track the ARC books I’m receiving. I finally started to feel like I’m making progress in my workouts, and the house was getting cleaner. Manic Meg was DOING it. Until she wasn’t.
I’ve been told before that you “can’t tell” that I struggle with bipolar. I think the phrase that was once used was “but you seem to function so well!” Which is great, I think? The whole point of trying to treat your mental health is so that you can function like a “normal” human, right? (Whatever normal is?) I like to think that I come across as fairly functional. I think I do an ok job of masking when Manic Meg is on vacation mode.
But… it took me a long time to change my perspective from thinking my brain is broken or that there’s something wrong with me. I’m wired different than others, and I just have to figure out how to work with that. That’s no easy task, and its one I’m going to spend forever working on.
I bet Manic Meg will have some good ideas.